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Bonus 8

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Here Are Your Lasting Passion Bonus Materials

  • Bonus 1: Test Your New Knowledge
  • Bonus  2: One Couple’s Journey
  • Bonus  3: How to Reboot a Relationship (video)
  • Bonus  4: Getting to an Authentic “Yes” (video)
  • Bonus  5: How To Do Your Individual Work (video)
  • Bonus  6: Super-Charge Your Listening Skills (video)
  • Bonus  7: How To Communicate About Difficult Topics (video)
  • Bonus  8: Free Lifetime Membership

BONUS 8: Free lifetime access to our Members Area, containing a huge range of support materials!

  • The latest research on love, sex, relationships, and family dynamics
  • Dozen of hours of video
  • Podcasts, guided meditations, and other audio
  • Exercises you can do alone or with a partner
  • … and much more!

We are constantly adding new material to the Members Area, so come on in, take a look around, and if the topic you want is not covered yet, drop us a line – we take requests!

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Lasting Passion Special Investigation

Lasting Passion Special Investigation

Current Promotion

Is it really true that desire inevitably fades in long term relationships? Science says “no”!

One of the most heartbreaking things I see when working with couples is the situation where one or both partners believe “that time in our relationship is over”. Time and again, I see people yearning for the connection, the passion, the joy and aliveness that comes with a passionate romantic relationship.

I have even seen people leave a relationship with someone they love very deeply, because of the false belief that “if I don’t feel attraction , it means I am just not in love with them any more”.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

For people who feel trapped, lost, and desperate in a sexless or low-sex relationship, I am here to tell you that there is definitely hope. If there was attraction between you at the start of the relationship, then you have a basic biological compatibility, and that attraction can always be restored.

A lot of advice about this is grounded in false assumptions about sexual desire, and following that advice can make things worse, not better!

In this Special Investigation, we examine the “common wisdom” about rekindling desire, where it goes wrong, and the surprising truth about what is possible in a long-term relationship.

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Lasting Passion – Is It Possible?

While we really hope that we can have a deeply passionate connection with a partner, and have it last for decades, we are told that this is simply impossible.

We look around, and the people who have been together for years seem to have “settled”. They often seem to love one another, but in a friendly way, rather than with true passion. Even the experts will tell you … passion fades over time. 

Somewhere around one in six American marriages are “sexless,” depending on how that term is defined.

One study found that 16 percent of married couples hadn’t had sex in the month prior to being contacted for the National Survey of Families and Households.

And another study by University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann, a leading researcher in his field, concluded that about 14 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women had had little or no sex within the previous year.

One study found that 14 percent of married men hadn’t had sex in the past year.

Statistics from Jim Thornton, Men’s Health magazine

Another significant proportion of relationships, while not “sexless”, have less sex than one or both partners would like. 57 percent of men in long-term relationships aren’t happy with the amount of sex they’re having, according to a new Chapman University survey.

But wait! It’s not all bad news!

32 percent of people surveyed by Chapman University said their sex lives were just as passionate now as they had been in the first six months of their relationships.

So, what makes the difference? What are the 32% doing right? And if you find yourself in the other two-thirds of the population, what can you do to change things?

To start with, it is very important to understand that there is a LOT of bad advice out there. Recommendations which not only won’t work in the long run, but may actually make your situation worse!

To find out what really does work, get your advice from someone who is a living example of success. Jenny Hale has maintained a loving and passionate relationship for over 10 years, and it has grown stronger and more passionate with time.

Jenny has a track record of helping people to understand what is happening in their relationships. She provides clear, easy-to-understand, actionable advice.

Get immediate access to Jenny’s Special Investigation, Lasting Passion: Why Tips and Techniques Don’t Work (and What Really Does) – completely free!

BONUS: when you request the Lasting Passion Special Investigation, you can also access FREE bonus materials to support you in doing the things that really do work to maintain lasting passion in your own relationships.

“Stress, physical exhaustion and mental health issues may all contribute to consistently low sexual desire in both sexes. While the stereotype is often that women are the only ones who stop wanting sex in long-term relationships, men can just as easily feel less inclined toward sex.”

Gia Ravozzi, sex therapist.

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“My partner and I went through a year of a very difficult relationship. Jnani was there as a mediator and counselor every step of the way. Thanks to her we managed to stay together, sorted out our issues and are now madly in love, even more than ever before!

Nadya, Koh Phangan, Thailand

 Want More Info About the Bonuses?

BONUS 1

More on relationship advice – the good, the bad, and the ugly!

Apply your new-found understanding to see for yourself which tips and techniques are potentially very counterproductive advice – and how to extract the nuggets of gold from the swamp.

BONUS 2

A Deeper Look

One couple’s journey after trying SO MANY tips and techniques that didn’t work. What really did work, and how you can apply that knowledge to your own journey.

BONUS 3

How to Reboot a Relationship

When a relationship has stalled in frustration, lack of communication, and lost connection, how do you start over without losing everything?

BONUS 4

Getting to an Authentic "Yes"

A Step-By-Step Guide for developing deeply connected, deeply passionate lovemaking with a new partner – or an existing partner.

BONUS 5

What is “Doing Your Individual Work”?

An introduction to the self-discovery work that will make your relationships sing!

BONUS 6

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!

Demystifying the challenges in reaching a deep understanding of one another. Includes step-by-step instructions for a “failure-proof” exercise you can use any time you have something important to say.

BONUS 7

What is "Responsible Communication?"

Everything your parents never taught you about what makes communication work – or not!

BONUS 8

Free lifetime access to our Members Area, containing a huge range of support materials!

  • The latest research on love, sex, relationships, and family dynamics
  • Dozen of hours of video
  • Podcasts, guided meditations, and other audio
  • Exercises you can do alone or with a partner
  • … and much more!

We are constantly adding new material to the Members Area, so come on in, take a look around, and if the topic you want is not covered yet, drop us a line – we take requests!

 

Send Me "Lasting Passion" Right Now!

“Say It Sweetly” Is Bad Advice

“Say It Sweetly” Is Bad Advice

Hey everyone! I’m Jenny Hale and you’re watching my truth bomb series – a series of short videos about advice for relationships that’s completely wrong, why it’s wrong, and where the truth really lies.

Today I’d like to talk to you about the piece of advice – in English culture we actually have an expression which is “you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”- and the idea is that if you say something sweetly and nicely you’ll get what you want more often than if you say it in a sour or harsh way.

I don’t really know why we’re supposed to want flies in the first place … but leaving the expression aside, the idea that whenever you want to express something when you’re in conflict with your partner, when you’re trying to resolve an issue, that you’ll get a better result if you express it sweetly and kindly and nicely.

Oddly enough, in our culture you find this advice being offered to women more often than to men. There’s something in our culture which says that women should be sweet and polite and nice when they’re expressing their concerns and their needs and their boundaries. With men, if they’re a little bit more forthright, a little bit more angry, a little bit more aggressive that’s just to be expected.

But as time goes on, and we’re looking at the masculine/feminine stereotypes, this advice is morphing into a generic advice which is being given to everybody, men as well.

It seems completely obvious. If I think about it, if someone’s coming to me to tell me something that I might not want to hear, I would prefer they said it nicely.

Intuitively, you think if you’re polite and sweet and nice, people will take it in. If you’re hostile, aggressive, of course people push back.

It seems intuitively obvious, and we all have these experiences.

However, when it comes to our intimate relationships, when it comes to people who are close to us, there is one thing which is even more important than politeness and palatability and sweetness and acceptability. That thing is authenticity.

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If you speak to your partner in a sweet way that’s not really true for you if you’re putting it on, if you’re wrapping your message of anger and resentment in a sweet wrapper, it probably isn’t going to get you the result that you want.

Depending on your partner and their level of sensitivity and self-awareness, for some people it will scare them. The mismatch between the wrapper of sweetness and the underlying emotion of anger, which they can feel, is actually scary for some people. That will put them into a shutdown and they won’t be able to engage with you at all.

For some people if it’s in a sweet wrapper it just doesn’t penetrate. If your tone of voice is gentle and sweet it’s just kind of background noise. It’s not until you actually display some strong emotion that these people go “oh wait a minute, I need to pay attention to this”.

Particularly if you’ve got somebody who’s very task-focused as a partner, somebody who whatever they’re doing, they’ve got their full attention on it, and you want to get their full attention to go from whatever it is they’re currently doing now to some issue in the relationship then it really helps to allow the genuine emotion of frustration or anger or whatever it is, allow it to become on the surface and be visible.

If you do this in a responsible way, you don’t shower them with accusations and blame, but you do allow the emotion to be heard and seen and felt then you’ll reach these people. You’ll get through to these very task-focused people in a much better way than if you use soft gentle language which to them just sounds like more of the same of everyday stuff that they don’t really need to change focus for.

So there it is. Yes, in general, when we’re dealing with people it is good to be sweet, to be kind, to be polite. That’s reasonably common sense. However, when it comes to communicating very deep emotional things in intimate relationship, it can actually become unproductive to wrap that in a sweet wrapper that’s not authentic.

Authenticity is one of the most important features of an intimate relationship. If you aren’t authentic with each other about your emotions, particularly your unacceptable, unpleasant emotions, then in the end it’s going to undermine the basis of the passion in the relationship.

You’ll end up just playing a role for each other and that gets boring and stale and ultimately it will kill the relationship.

So although in general it’s good to be kind and sweet and polite, don’t do it at the expense of your authenticity. Figure out a way to bring your authentic emotions forth in a responsible way. Not an argumentative, attacking way but also for them to be seen and to be felt by your partner. That is what will keep passion alive in the relationship.

Secrets of Sexual Desire

Secrets of Sexual Desire

happy-couple-1Sexual desire is often presented as one of life’s great mysteries. Who can say why we are attracted to one person, and not to another? Or madly attracted to someone at first, but after a few months or years, the same person leaves us cold?

Many damaging myths and misinformation campaigns have arisen to explain this apparently contradictory, unpredictable beast – sexual desire.

Myths and Lies About Sexual Desire

“Women don’t really want sex; they become willing to do it for a man they love.”

“Men are always up for sex with someone new, but they get bored quickly in monogamous relationships.”

“Treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen.”

“Oh, you just need to spice it up a little – buy some lingerie, or some sex toys. Watch dirty movies together. Have a threesome.”

And, in recent times, courtesy of the Neo-Tantra gurus “You have lost polarity. Spend more time apart and act more like the stereotypical man or woman.”

Sexual-Desire-PullNope.

As a relationship coach, I have worked with many couples over many years, and I can assure you that women can want sex, and men can not want it. People can be monogamous without getting bored in bed, manipulative games are at best a band-aid and at worst a disaster, and “spicing it up” might work for a brief while, but if you don’t address the real issue, the problem will be back.

And “polarity” – don’t get me started on the horrible distortions that I have seen enacted in the name of “polarity”!

The Truth About Sexual Desire: Lust

Sexual desire operates on a number of levels. According to scientists, there is a basic, biological component to sexual desire, based on genetic and immunological compatibility. If this component is present when two people meet, it will be present for a lifetime, because it is based on aspects of the physical body that don’t change much over time.

The one exception to this rule is when women start or stop using hormonal birth control – the hormonal changes affect the desirability of the woman in general, and they change the type of man to whom she is attracted.

But that is not the issue with the vast majority of couples I work with. The basic biological polarity is in place, and it doesn’t change.

cropped-happy-coupleThe Truth About Sexual Desire: Romance

The next level of sexual desire is attraction. This is the fascination we experience in the early stages of a relationship, when we (almost literally) can’t keep our hands off each other.

This is the level at which visual and behavioural cues bring us together. Holding the gaze for a little longer than usual, playing with the hair, moving into one another’s personal space, and so on. These “flirting” behaviours are often gender-specific, with the female version being more coy on average, and the male version more assertive.

The big mistake is to imagine that the attraction between two people is caused by these gender-specific behaviours. In truth, the attraction is communicated by these behaviours. The cause of the attraction lies elsewhere.

The seeds of this level of attraction lie in the social self – the persona that has been constructed since early childhood, based on messages from outside.

This is where we get our exaggerated images of the “ideal woman” and the “ideal man”. The ideal woman was a stick-figure in the 1990s, an hour-glass in the 1950s, and a voluptuous, curvy goddess in Raphael’s time, and the ideal man has always had muscular shoulders, and a square jaw, and only recently has come to require a six-pack.

The ideal woman is soft, kind, and never argues. The ideal man is masterful, understands intuitively what his woman needs, and surprises her with thoughtful gifts on a regular basis.

When we are in the romantic early stages of a relationship, we are motivated to do all sorts of things to express our love and appreciation for our partner. We say loving words. We shower them with gifts and acts of service. We can’t wait to see them again. We touch. A lot. Especially sexually.

The thing is, this motivation arises from the reward/punishment centre of our brain, not the emotional centre. We think of it as love, but it is, quite unromantically, an addiction to our own reward chemical, dopamine.

This crazy, obsessive romantic period has a time limit. We can’t perpetuate the species if we are staying up late and ditching work to be together every day for the rest of our lives. What will we eat? And how will we pay the rent? At some point, we need to settle into a more sustainable pattern of relating, so we have the energy for feeding and housing ourselves (and the offspring that evolution intends us to have).

The Truth About Sexual Desire: Love

The third type of sexual desire is so different from the first two that many people aren’t even aware that it exists.

Sexual desire in the context of a long-term bond is based on feelings of safety and comfort. Your partner might have “love handles”, and not have shaved for a few days, and you would never look at them twice in a singles bar, but you feel warm and comfortable in bed with them on a Sunday morning, and one thing naturally leads to another …

This is almost the exact opposite of the crazy highs that come from dopamine in the romantic phase. Dopamine is heightened by risk-taking, so someone who is “bad for you” in some way can be even more rewarding, because it is a more risky situation.

In a long-term relationship, the opposite is true. Someone who hurts you unpredictably might make an exciting lover. You might enjoy the passionate reunions and make-up sex after a big fight. In a long-term relationship, over time, that unpredictable hurtfulness will totally kill sexual desire.

holding handsThe Unromantic Secret To Keeping Sexual Desire Alive For A Lifetime

It all comes down to this – does your partner feel SAFE with you?

Do they feel loved, wanted, and accepted, just the way they are, or are you forever trying to change them “for their own good”? Do you see them for the unique soul they are, or are you casting them as the enemy in your unresolved childhood dramas?

We all have patterns wired into our brains from our childhood, and those patterns run our romantic partnerships. So check your patterns – are they healthy, constructive patterns, or are they patterns that hurt your partner from time to time?

  1. Purify Your Relationship Patterns. Make sure you are consistently showing up as an empowering, supportive, affirming partner.
  2. When You Mess Up, Clean Up. Nobody expects perfection. You will have bad days, discover new dysfunctional patterns, and go through periods of intense stress, illness, and other issues. All these things make you less patient and your partner less resilient.

If you handle it well, you can heal the emotional wound before it undermines the sexual desire in your relationship. Sit down, take responsibility for your part in the hurt, listen, give empathy, apologise, and, if necessary, do something to make amends.

Your reward? A lifetime of rich, fulfilling sex on tap!

You Don’t Need To Be An Alpha Male

You Don’t Need To Be An Alpha Male

Hi everyone! I’m Jenny Hale and this is another one of my truth bomb series, where I look at pieces of misinformation about relationships, and what the real truth is underneath (if there’s one at all).

Today’s truth bomb is this idea that what women are really attracted to is a “man’s man”, you know, the alpha male. This entire industry, I don’t know how many millions of dollars are spent by a hopeful young men to listen to slightly older young men tell them how to be a man. But let me tell you, at the end of the day, speaking as a woman who’s worked as a relationship coach with hundreds of women that it’s not true.

You don’t need to man up.

You’re not “beta”.

Yes, there’s a whole lot of research that’s gone into the explaining and misinformation around the use of the terms alpha and beta and I’m not going to go into that here because I really want to just hone in on this idea and what it does in relationships.

Our culture has a picture of a man’s man, a real man, an alpha man and we all kind of know what that picture is, right? He’s physically strong and dominant, and he’s confident. He knows where he’s going and he’s somebody who seems to never make a mistake, or if he does, he just pushes on through and turns it into a win.

And women are we attracted to him.

So a couple of things I just want to put to rest about this.

Number one, the characteristics of the man’s man in our culture are pretty much the characteristics of a narcissist. And it’s true, if you can present as a narcissist you will attract codependent women because codependent women are attracted to those features.

The insensitivity, the self-absorption, the grandiosity, the big stories about how great they’re going to be, and the ability to just push people aside and get their stuff done in the world – those things are attractive to a certain kind of woman. The thing is, women who are codependent are codependent for a reason, and the reason is that they had terrible childhoods and they’re full of issues.

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If you make yourself look like a narcissist so that you can attract a codependent woman who’s completely into you, and dependent on you, and focuses her whole life on you, you’re going to have to deal with her childhood issues, and they’re not pretty.

If you want a healthy well-balanced woman who can take care of herself and have resources left over to take care of you, who will help you to be a better person, and will help you to be a fully rounded human being, then it’s not a good plan to make yourself look like one of these alpha males.

Now, you might get more one-night stands by presenting like an alpha and doing all the pickup artist stuff, but …

… what you won’t get is a safe, secure a long-term relationship where you can be yourself, and be accepted for who you really are, and just relax.

If you use these kind of techniques, if you present this man’s man, it’s stressful. And you have to keep it up for the rest of your life, or you lose the person.

I will say again that there is a nugget, and the nugget is this.

What a healthy, well balanced fully rounded woman wants is a healthy, well balanced, fully rounded man. If you are still psychologically a child, if you’re looking for mummy to take care of you, or you’re looking for a source of sex that won’t give you too much trouble, then you won’t be attractive to a fully rounded functional human woman. You will be attractive to the damaged women who are magnetically attracted to  bad boys and problem boys and want to spend their life looking after ducklings with broken wings.

You don’t have to be a duckling with a broken wing (or a duckling with a broken wing pretending to be Superman) in order to get a really rewarding long-term relationship.

So what does a woman really want?

Because I tell you, women don’t really want the stuff that all the pickup artists are telling you they really want. They might have a fling with that, but that’s not what they actually want in a partner for the long term.

If you want someone who’s going to take care of you when you’re old, then you need to offer something else other than this narcissistic macho alpha persona. All you have to be is real. A real human being, honest and authentic, not perfect but willing to work on all of the areas where you are not perfect, and willing to improve to spend a lifetime improving.

I tell you, one of the things that just amazes me is that these guys don’t get – these guys who teach all these courses to men about how to get women – not one of them I’ve seen say this.

What women really, really go for is potential.

Women love a man who’s going somewhere. Not a man who’s going somewhere materially, like he’s got a business and is going to make a lot of money. A man who’s going somewhere as a human being. A man who’s capable of growth. A man who becomes a better person every year.

That is what will get you the high quality women.