Your Partner Is Not Your Therapist

Your Partner Is Not Your Therapist

Your Partner Is Not Your Therapist

love-couple-young-teens-outside-moment-emotionsNobody emerges from childhood completely unscathed. Intimate relationships can be a wonderful container in which childhood wounds and sorrows come to light, are met and held with love, and release their power to cause us pain.

However, when childhood wounds are deep and serious, or when there is a trauma response, it is not reasonable to expect a partner to have the skills and emotional resilience to give us everything we need to heal. Serious wounds require serious treatment and rehabilitation.

Warning Signs of Serious Childhood Injury

How can we know whether our emotional baggage is too much for a partner to carry?

The problem for most people is that we grow up thinking that whatever we experienced as a child is normal. It can take outside input to open our eyes to the possibility that our childhood had some problems, and that we may have some unhealthy coping strategies as a result.

Here are some clues to look for, in ourselves and our close friends, family, and partners.

Relationship Anxiety

Needing constant reassurance, finding separations unbearable, anxiously watching for return text messages, intense fear of abandonment, possessiveness and jealousy, trying to control partners, especially in how close they are to other people emotionally.

aloneAvoidance or Extreme Detachment

Feeling uncomfortable, even “invaded”, when relationships become emotionally intimate, avoiding sex and intimacy, keeping emotions out of sexual relationships, pushing friends and partners away when upset, reacting to uncomfortable situations in relationships by withdrawing, or even leaving the relationship.

Unbalanced Focus on Self

While it is healthy to have a good awareness of our own wants and needs, it is important to give equal weight to the wants and needs of others, especially those who are close to us, either physically or emotionally.

If people are regularly letting you know that you are appearing selfish, or not listening to them, or not taking them into consideration enough, it is worth checking whether you have the right balance of self vs others.

This may manifest as people every now and again unfairly abandoning you for reasons you don’t understand, or getting very angry at you when you don’t think you have done anything wrong.

other focus-1600x900Unbalanced Focus on Others

Focusing on others can be a delightful gift, but not if you lose contact with yourself in the process.

Are you aware of your own needs and wants? Do you regularly express them to the people who are close to you, both physically and emotionally?

Or do people seem to take you for granted, and exhaust you with their constant needs and demands?

Are you afraid that if you don’t take care of everyone properly, their reactions will be even more unbearable than the constant low level frustration and exhaustion that you usually feel?

love addictionAddictions

We may not have an addiction to a substance like alcohol, opiates, or illegal substances, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have an addiction at all.

Any activity which causes us to get a hit of dopamine can become addictive.

Many people are addicted to more subtle “drugs”, like gambling (which includes high risk activities like day trading, commission-only sales work, and some forms of entrepreneurial activity), or sex (which can also include addiction to the dopamine highs of infatuation), computer games, or food.

Even socially-valued activities can be addictive – there are many workaholics out there! Working out at the gym, going to church, gossiping with friends, fixing up old cars, building dollhouses or computer programs, doing crosswords, and just about any other hobby can become an addiction when we are using it to escape unpleasant emotions or avoid difficult conversations.

These more socially acceptable addictions can combine with other items on this list, such as avoidance, zoning out, and mood swings, so watch out for combinations!

Zoning Out

Losing time, or not noticing what is happening here and now, can be a sign of trauma. This is a particular red flag if it happens during emotionally difficult conversations, but it can also be a habitual way to get through life. If our life as a child is emotionally difficult, one coping strategy is try as much as possible to “not be there” while life is happening.

It often goes together with not remembering much about childhood before the age of 6-8 years old.

2018-07-06 depressionMood Swings

Some days are great – you’re on top of the world, you get a lot done (or start a lot of things), and you feel ten feet tall and bulletproof. Other days, you don’t even want to get out of bed. You curse yourself for the promises you made when you were feeling great. There is no clear cause for the great days or the terrible days.

And some days start out great, but then something happens – someone rejects you, or something doesn’t go to plan – and for the rest of the day you feel awful.

If the swings happen slowly – over weeks and months – you may have bipolar disorder. But if you are having wildly different moods within a single week, you don’t have bipolar disorder – you have emotional dysregulation, which is usually a result of childhood emotional neglect.

SearchingExtreme Sensitivity or Empathy

Can’t walk by a group of people without getting a “hit” of someone else’s emotions?

Find crowds and public spaces draining and exhausting?

Can’t feel happy when your partner or housemate is feeling down?

You are likely to have some childhood wounds or trauma to explore.

Generally, children focus on their own world, and tune out the adults around them until they need something. But if life was difficult, upsetting, or painful, and the adults around were the cause, some children learn to be hyperaware of the emotional state of others. It is a coping strategy, a way of at least having a few seconds of warning before the bad thing happens.

discontent

Yes, That’s Me (or My Partner) – Now What?

Untreated childhood wounds tend to resurface over and over until they are healed. The most common way they emerge is by having us subconsciously recreate the situation where we were wounded.

We are most likely to do this in our intimate relationships, which is what makes intimate relationships so uniquely painful.

 

The number one reason that I have seen relationships end is because one or both people can no longer tolerate the pain of their childhood wounds resurfacing over and over.

This is often a tragic result, because the people concerned love one another very much, and have the potential to support one another in healing – that’s usually what attracts us, at a subconscious level.

But navigating the interlocking childhood wounds of two people in an intimate relationship is like picking your way through a minefield – you just never know when things are going to blow up and cause a whole new type of trauma.

CoachingIt is really important that you have outside support through this process. In severe cases, one or both partners may benefit from individual psychotherapy. Often, though what people really need is a neutral third party who can let them know when they are stuck in a childhood coping strategy, rather than being present and responding to the current situation.

This is where a relationship coach can be invaluable. Not only can they provide useful strategies to improve communication, and mediate difficult conversations, they can also keep you on track with your individual healing, and your support of your partner’s healing.

Book Coaching

Remember – we are here to help. If you’d like personalised coaching at any time, just fill in an application form, and we will schedule a short real-time call to see whether we are right for each other.

Intense Emotions

Intense Emotions

Intense Emotions: How To Cope

worry-133021We are emotional beings – like it or not, our actions, decisions, and the quality of our lives are determined by how we deal with emotional information.

Unfortunately, most of us were not taught any skills for working with emotions, and for many of us, our parents didn’t provide much useful guidance as role models.

For many of us, intense emotion is a distressing and overwhelming experience.

Other people say things like “you’re too sensitive”, “you’re taking this too personally”, and “just calm down, it’s not such a big deal …”

None of this advice helps at all!

Sudden Impact

We often don’t get much warning that an emotional storm is on the way.

Something happens, and before we can even take a full breath, the emotion hits like a tidal wave.

It’s hard to think.

It’s hard to breathe.

And it’s not something that will respond to an instruction like “just calm down”!

Immediate Action

When we are in the grips of a strong emotion, whether it is anger, fear, or shame, our nervous system is in overdrive. We are flooded with adrenaline, and “non-essential functions” – like thinking, self-awareness, and decision-making – are simply shut down.

In this state, we can’t use all the helpful tools for long-term development of emotional intelligence.

At this point, we are having the emotional equivalent of a heart attack, and we need the emotional equivalent of first aid.

Fortunately, in recent years science has devoted serious attention to the workings of our nervous system, and has discovered that there are a number of actions you can take to instantly interrupt an emotional storm and “reset” your nervous system to a more comfortable and healthy level of activity.

To learn more about these techniques, get our online course Emotional First Aid – it’s FREE if you use this link.

The Permanent Solution

Of course, first aid can only address the symptom, not the cause of your intense emotions.

In our Members Area, we have a wide variety of resources to support you in learning new ways to balance your nervous system and process emotions, as an individual, and in relationships.

Access the Members Area here – it’s FREE!

There are a number of reasons why you may feel emotions more intensely than others:

grief-897817Neurobiology

Having a non-neurotypical brain can make you more sensitive to strong emotions. People on the autism spectrum can to be highly sensitive to all sensory input, including the sensations associated with emotions. People with ADD and bipolar disorder can have Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria, which makes the emotions associated with rejection much more intense and painful than they are for a neurotypical person.

About 20% of the population can be categorised as “highly sensitive”, which means that they are much more aware of emotions, both their own emotions, and the emotions of the people around them.

In some cases, medication can reduce the impact of neurobological causes of intense emotions. Before resorting to medication, however, it is important to rule out other possible causes of intense emotion.

man-angry-painSuppressed Emotions

When we are prevented from expressing certain emotions, we “stuff” them down somewhere and carry on. But the emotion doesn’t go away, even if we are no longer consciously aware of its presence. The emotion will lie dormant until a situation happens which given it an opportunity to be expressed.

This is the most common cause of the emotional explosions that other people refer to as “over-reacting”. The emotional response is much stronger than would be normal in that situation, because you are bringing emotion from past situations into the present situation.

This often happens with anger, where a relatively small event can trigger a huge amount of anger. This is sometimes referred to by English-speakers as “the straw that broke the camel’s back”. One straw is small and easy to carry, but if you are already carrying a full load, one more straw can break your self-control and spill the whole load on the ground at once.

attachmentAttachment Style

Only a minority of the population in the West have a “secure” attachment style. Securely attached people are happy to be with their loved ones, and also happy to spend time alone. They have no problem connecting deeply with others, and no problem disconnecting when it is time to separate.

Some people have an “anxious” attachment style. This provokes extreme fear at the thought or the reality of being separated from a loved one, and an intensely painful loneliness.

Others have an “avoidant” attachment style. They keep themselves emotionally separate from their loved ones, and find it difficult to let down their guard. If they are pressed by an anxious and emotional partner, they may explode in rage as a way to protect themselves from “invasion”.

A small group have “disorganised” attachment, which means that they don’t have one consistent style of attachment. They alternate between anxious and avoidant strategies, and suffer the negative consequences of both.

At first, it was believed that attachment style was set in early childhood and would never change, but recent research into neuroplasticity has shown that we can write a new ending to our attachment story at any point in our lives.

Resources and support for dealing with attachment styles and trauma can be found in our Premium Members Area.

Traumatic Events

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can produce intense emotions without warning. Healing from PTSD requires rewiring the brain and nervous system – it is very unlikely to happen spontaneously.

Resources and support for dealing with trauma can be found in our Premium Members Area.

girl sad angryChildhood Developmental Trauma

When parents are unable to meet the needs of a child, particularly their emotional needs, the normal development of emotional maturity is disturbed. People whose parents were kindly but emotionally neglectful can find themselves stuck at earlier emotional developmental stages, even into adulthood.

When parents were mentally ill, alcoholics or addicts, or suffering from PTSD themselves, the developmental disturbance can reach the level of trauma. In this case, it is called Complex PTSD, because there is not one specific traumatic incident to resolve. Instead, there is a lifetime of loneliness, emotional abandonment, shaming, and microaggressions, many of which you may never remember. 

Symptoms of childhood development trauma may be misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder, ADD, borderline personality disorder, social anxiety, generalised anxiety disorder, and clinical depression. Treating trauma with medication may suppress some or all of the symptoms, but it will not provide relief, healing, and a return to normal functioning.

Some people may need medication to support them while doing the deeper work to relieve their underlying trauma. If your health professional is only familiar with a medication approach, it is wise to also seek a second opinion from a health professional with experience dealing with complex PTSD.

Burnout and Physical Depletion

The energy we have available for keeping ourselves balanced varies with time and circumstances. We may be completely fine in the mornings, and fall apart easily in the evening. We may be cheerful and upbeat in summer, and gloomy and pessimistic all winter.

Our physical wellbeing plays an important role in our emotional wellbeing. Lack of sleep, poor nutrition, stress, lack of exercise, and lack of “downtime” – opportunities to do very little, or to do something we enjoy – can all reduce our emotional resilience, and make overwhelming emotional storms more likely.

For those who are managing PTSD, bipolar, and other disorders affecting mood, taking care of basic physical and psychological needs is a vital piece of the puzzle.

Book Coaching

Remember – we are here to help. If you’d like personalised coaching at any time, just fill in an application form, and we will schedule a short real-time call to see whether we are right for each other.

After Separation

After Separation

The end of a long-term relationship is never easy. Immediately after separation, there are both practical and emotional challenges to navigate. No matter how clear it is that you need to part ways, separation is always a deep emotional process. Sometimes we have completed several stages of the grieving process before the official moment of separation, and sometimes events take us by surprise. Either way, the grieving process is unavoidable.

grief after separation

All of us grieve, even for the most painful and dysfunctional relationships. We may be grieving the relationship we thought we had, or the relationship we deserved and didn’t get. We might grieve the relationship we hoped for, rather than a relationship we actually experienced, but we grieve, just the same.

It can be tempting to bypass grief and jump right into a new relationship. The intoxicating chemicals of being “in love” make us forget about our previous partner. The new person has none of the infuriating issues that the previous partner had. There are many risks in this approach, which we explore in our “Real or Rebound?” series, available in the members area.

Some people avoid a rebound relationship by diving into a busy whirl of dating and casual sex. Sexual exploration is very healthy after ending a long-term relationship, but compulsive or addictive behaviour is not so healthy. You might be at risk of sex or love addiction if you find yourself seeking sex or love as an escape from unpleasant emotions, or if you can’t imagine life without it.

The more you can allow the grieving process to move through you, fully and cleanly, the faster you will be ready to embark on your next genuine, deep relationship.

Stages of Grief After Separation

Denial – when it doesn’t seem real

Anger – at anything and everything

Guilt/Bargaining – going over everything obsessively, trying to figure out what you could have done differently in your mind

Sadness – this may be associated with remembering good things that have been lost, or hopes which never manifested, or it may have no particular object

Acceptance – starting to appreciate the new life which is taking shape

Check out this post on grief for more guidance.

Rebuilding Confidence After Separation or Divorce

We don’t like to think about what comes next. “Getting back out there” can be a daunting prospect. Dating was stressful, painful, and exhausting enough when we were teenagers. The idea of putting ourselves through that again, with everything else we have to deal with …

Confidence often takes a beating as a relationship breaks down. Whatever the circumstances of the break-up, we tend to focus on the ways in which we have personally failed. If our ex was abusive or irrational, we can also become focused on the reasons not to trust anyone else ever again.

Crisis – Both Danger and Opportunity

changing after separation

Times of big life changes can be a blessing in disguise. When everything is up in the air, when we are changing living arrangements, working arrangements, childcare arrangements, and everything else – these are the times when it is easiest to also change ourselves.

Should you choose to, you can make this separation a “watershed moment” in your life. Looking back in a few years’ time, you could pinpoint this time as the turning point. This could be the moment when you stopped being a victim of circumstances and truly claimed your life as your own.

What will it take?

Taking back your life begins with knowing who you really are. Once you are connected with your authentic self, you have all the guidance and personal power you need to make the right changes.

Over the years, I have watched hundreds of people take back their lives. Some move swiftly and dramatically, while others make subtle adjustments that are barely visible to outsiders. All of them report feeling more freedom, power, and fulfilment.

Grief

Grief

Grief is a normal part of human psychology. You wouldn’t know that from watching how grieving people are treated, though. There is a growing trend to consider grief a pathology, and to treat it as though it was a mental illness, or a personal weakness.

Had a death in the family? You might get a day off work to go to the funeral. They might even let you take sick leave for a few days, or a week. Beyond that, though, you are expected to show up and be productive, as though nothing happened. 

Anything else that might cause grief – the end of a relationship, death of a pet, loss of a home, and so on – you don’t even get one day off work to process your grief. (Of course, there are caring and empathetic employers out there, who don’t follow these norms, but we are looking at the culture overall, on average.) 

Friends aren’t much better, often. They bring casseroles for the first few days, come to the funeral and say the right things, and then they expect you to get on with life as normal within a week or two. If it’s the end of a relationship, or the loss of a home, they might even start immediately with bypassing comments like “look on the bright side, now you can find something better …” 

When it comes to grief, we are expected to manage it in our own time, and mostly on our own. 

Remember that there is no statute of limitations on grief. You are entitled to grieve in your own way, in your time, for as long as you need. 

What is grief? 

grief

Grief is a set of emotional responses which happens whenever we are required to let go of a future we have invested emotional energy into. The more emotional energy we have invested in a future, the stronger the emotions of grief will be as we reshape our emotional landscape to erase that future. 

We invest emotional energy into a future by imagining it, making plans, or just unconsciously expecting it to happen. As an extreme example, we might hate and fear an abusive parent, and be planning to escape from home as soon as possible. At the same time, we unconsciously expect that parent to be there every morning when we wake up. If that parent dies, we might be relieved that the abuse is over, but we will still experience grief because of our deep, unconscious expectation that our parents will be around forever. 

The emotions which arise when we are grieving can be confusing, because they can appear contradictory. 

It is important to remember that the emotions of grief are markers for our process of letting go of a future, and they don’t need to match up to anything real that is happening how, or that happened in the past. The emotions of grief are “free floating” – they don’t need a particular object. In fact, the grieving process goes faster when we actively prevent the free-floating emotions from latching on to any person or event. 

Stages of Grief

 

While grief is described as having “stages”, we don’t pass neatly from one stage to the next. We switch around between 2-4 stages at any point in time. The proportions change over time. The early stages are a bigger percentage at first, and the later stages come to be the biggest proportion as time passes.

Denial

The denial phase comes first, and generally passes within a few days. In this phase, we simply forget that the loss has happened. We repeatedly remember, with the same force of shock as when we first heard the news.

The denial phase can be extended indefinitely if the loss isn’t due to death. We can remain in denial about a relationship break-up for much longer than a few days. While we hold the belief that our lost future may still happen, we maintain that future as an object in our emotional landscape, and the grieving process slows down. It may even stall completely.

anger

Anger

Free-floating anger is a significant element of the early stages of grief. When someone has died, particularly if they did nothing to cause their own death, it can be disturbing to find ourselves being angry at them for dying. This is completely normal, and it will pass.

When a relationship has ended, it is easy to attach the anger to our ex, and make lists in our mind of the ways in which they wronged us. While this is a seductive process, it is not a healthy way to grieve. The anger will move through much faster if it remains free-floating, without any particular object. In truth, we are angry that our anticipated future has been taken from us, and it really doesn’t matter how that future was taken.

Guilt/Bargaining

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described the grieving process which takes place when a person is told they have a terminal illness. She described a stage she called “bargaining”, where people construct “deals with God”. If I become vegan, my cancer will go away. If I forgive all my enemies, I will be cured.

When someone has died, we can’t bargain with God in quite the same way. This stage manifests as obsessively going over the past in our mind, over and over. On some level, we are hoping that we can find a way to make it turn out differently. Of course, we can’t.

However, if we happen to find something specific we did, or didn’t do, we can attach this emotion to that memory. Again, as with anger, it is much more healthy to allow the guilt/bargaining energy to remain free-floating. Punishing ourselves emotionally for doing or not doing something gives us the illusion of having control over the loss. These illusions are temporarily comforting, but they keep us trapped in unresolved grief.

denial

Sadness

When we think of grief, it is the sadness we most easily understand. The sadness can last for a long time. It will appear from moments in the early stages, amongst the more intense denial, anger and guilt. As time goes by, if we don’t attach the more intense emotions to anything, sadness will become the dominant emotion.

Sadness can manifest “out of nowhere”, when we have been moving through acceptance for quite some time. This is normal. Reminders such as birthdays, holidays, and objects with personal significance can trigger sadness, even decades later.

Acceptance

Acceptance is the emotion which manifests when we have reclaimed enough emotional energy from the lost future to start creating something new.

Even after we have felt acceptance, we will still cycle back through the other stages. Over time, we will spend a greater and greater proportion of our time in acceptance.

Grieving a Relationship

When we have ended a relationship, we will be required to carry on living as normal while we grieve. We may be pressured to throw out mementos, start dating again, or make other radical changes.

It is very important to give yourself time and permission to grieve fully before starting to move forward. In the chaotic emotions of grief, we may not make the best decisions for our long-term future.

That’s not to say you should be a hermit for a year or two. By all means have a rich social life, including dating and romance if it feels right for you. Just be prepared to excuse yourself if you find yourself doing things that aren’t yet comfortable for you.

Often, in the course of a relationship or a break-up, we lose touch with our true self. Some people are completely out of touch with their true self from childhood, and rely on partners to give them direction and certainty. Others have a good connection to their true self, but find it is disrupted by stress, conflict, too many compromises, or betrayals.

true self

What next?

Whatever else happens after the end of a relationship, it is essential that you re-establish your connection with your true self. This is your “inner wisdom”, the guide which will help you navigate the next stage of your life. The relationship or the break-up may have disrupted that connection, and you will need it for the next stage of your journey.

If you are someone who has always struggled to “find yourself” or to “go within”, times of grief are a golden opportunity. When everything is thrown into chaos, you have an opportunity to rewire your brain in new ways. Rather than going back to coping strategies from earlier in life, you can find your core – your inner strength – and create a new life which suits you much better than anything you have experienced in the past.

The Problem With Makeup Sex

The Problem With Makeup Sex

The Problem With Makeup Sex

 

Hey everyone! I’m Jenny Hale and you’re watching my truth bomb series – a series of short videos about relationships advice that’s problematic, why it’s problematic and where the truth really lies.

Today I’d like to talk about “makeup sex”.

There’s a school of thought which has this picture of an ideal relationship being a really passionate relationship. The kind of relationship where something happens, everyone gets angry, and they yell and they carry on, and then at some point the passion of the anger just turns into sexual passion.

Then they have this ravishing amazing passionate sex, and then everything’s OK. Now it works in the movies … doesn’t work so much in real life.

Even if you have the flaming row and the argument, and then you go away and calm down, and you come back together, and then you have the passionate makeup sex (which is a bit more common in the real world), it’s still a problem.

The problem is that makeup sex doesn’t actually restore what was broken.

In the moment it might feel like it does. Early on in a relationship when you’re still in love with each other, and then something happens, one of you gets angry and you get over it and have sex and it’s like “ah everything’s back to normal now”. It feels like the makeup sex fixed everything.

My partner and I have a little saying “sex fixes everything”, because often it doesn’t matter what emotional state you’re in, if you have sex you get endorphins. It’s a bit like heroin – everything’s FINE …

However, whatever it was you were arguing about, if that wasn’t actually sorted out, if it wasn’t resolved, it’s going to happen again. You’re going to have an argument again, and maybe you could have makeup sex again, but ultimately, if you’re having the same argument every week, eventually makeup sex is not going to cut it.

At some point, you need to reach a resolution on whatever it is that you’re arguing about.

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Real Relationship Issues

Now there’s a couple of things that could be going on. One is that one or both of you might actually be doing something that’s inconsiderate or hurtful or unethical, crossing boundaries.

For example, your partner’s going into your phone and reading the messages you were sending to other people. That’s a violation of your privacy. It’s a violation of your boundary. It’s something that you would legitimately be angry about and want to change.

Now, if every time you discover your partner doing that you get really angry, they get really angry, and then you have makeup sex, your partner’s just going to do it again.

And then you get really angry, they get really angry, you have makeup sex …

At some point you’ve got to ask yourself the question – how important is my privacy? What am I going do to make sure that this actually gets dealt with?

Or maybe this person is just incapable of actually having an adult relationship. Maybe they need to sneak in and invade my privacy because of their childhood wounds, which they’re not dealing with. At that point you need to decide whether to walk away or not.

No amount of makeup sex is going to keep you in a relationship where your fundamental human rights are being violated.

Individual Issues That Cause Arguments

Likewise, if what’s happening is someone’s childhood stuff is being triggered – maybe you had a bad childhood, maybe your mother was really unavailable, maybe she was an alcoholic, maybe she was just never there for you, and you were looking after the younger ones all the time.

You feel inside a sense of insecurity and abandonment because no one ever really took care of you, so whenever your lover does something where it looks like they’re being inconsiderate, looks like they might be abandoning you, maybe they want to go on a weekend hunting trip with their mates or maybe they come home late later than you expected, whatever it is, it sets off your childhood fear, your childhood loneliness, your childhood abandonment.

Then you get really angry, and then they get really angry because it’s really unfair, then you have make up sex. It doesn’t fix your childhood trauma, doesn’t make you a more secure person.

The makeup sex doesn’t actually do anything except give you a shot of feel-good endorphins in the moment. It might calm you down on that day but the next day when your partner doesn’t come home at the time they said you’ll be off again and another argument and another round of makeup sex.

The only way this is going to end is when you actually do your work. When you go and do therapy, you go and do some release work, you go and work with your body, do some somatic work, whatever it is for you that’s going to move that childhood trauma.

That’s going to give you a much better sense of safety in yourself. When you do that then you won’t get angry anymore.

After you do that, instead of having makeup sex you can have just crazy passionate sex because you don’t need to have an angry argument in order to have passionate sex. You’re going to have passionate sex every day of your life for the whole the rest of your relationship if you take care of resolving conflicts as they occur.

Lasting Passion Special Investigation

Lasting Passion Special Investigation

Lasting Passion Special Investigation

 

Is it really true that desire inevitably fades in long term relationships? Science says “no”!

One of the most heartbreaking things I see when working with couples is the situation where one or both partners believe “that time in our relationship is over”. Time and again, I see people yearning for the connection, the passion, the joy and aliveness that comes with a passionate romantic relationship.

I have even seen people leave a relationship with someone they love very deeply, because of the false belief that “if I don’t feel attraction , it means I am just not in love with them any more”.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

For people who feel trapped, lost, and desperate in a sexless or low-sex relationship, I am here to tell you that there is definitely hope. If there was attraction between you at the start of the relationship, then you have a basic biological compatibility, and that attraction can always be restored.

A lot of advice about this is grounded in false assumptions about sexual desire, and following that advice can make things worse, not better!

In this Special Investigation, we examine the “common wisdom” about rekindling desire, where it goes wrong, and the surprising truth about what is possible in a long-term relationship.

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Lasting Passion – Is It Possible?

While we really hope that we can have a deeply passionate connection with a partner, and have it last for decades, we are told that this is simply impossible.

We look around, and the people who have been together for years seem to have “settled”. They often seem to love one another, but in a friendly way, rather than with true passion. Even the experts will tell you … passion fades over time. 

Somewhere around one in six American marriages are “sexless,” depending on how that term is defined.

One study found that 16 percent of married couples hadn’t had sex in the month prior to being contacted for the National Survey of Families and Households.

And another study by University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann, a leading researcher in his field, concluded that about 14 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women had had little or no sex within the previous year.

One study found that 14 percent of married men hadn’t had sex in the past year.

Statistics from Jim Thornton, Men’s Health magazine

Another significant proportion of relationships, while not “sexless”, have less sex than one or both partners would like. 57 percent of men in long-term relationships aren’t happy with the amount of sex they’re having, according to a new Chapman University survey.

But wait! It’s not all bad news!

32 percent of people surveyed by Chapman University said their sex lives were just as passionate now as they had been in the first six months of their relationships.

So, what makes the difference? What are the 32% doing right? And if you find yourself in the other two-thirds of the population, what can you do to change things?

To start with, it is very important to understand that there is a LOT of bad advice out there. Recommendations which not only won’t work in the long run, but may actually make your situation worse!

To find out what really does work, get your advice from someone who is a living example of success. Jenny Hale has maintained a loving and passionate relationship for over 10 years, and it has grown stronger and more passionate with time.

Jenny has a track record of helping people to understand what is happening in their relationships. She provides clear, easy-to-understand, actionable advice.

Get immediate access to Jenny’s Special Investigation, Lasting Passion: Why Tips and Techniques Don’t Work (and What Really Does) – completely free!

BONUS: when you request the Lasting Passion Special Investigation, you can also access FREE bonus materials to support you in doing the things that really do work to maintain lasting passion in your own relationships.

 

 

Want More Info About the Bonuses?

“Stress, physical exhaustion and mental health issues may all contribute to consistently low sexual desire in both sexes. While the stereotype is often that women are the only ones who stop wanting sex in long-term relationships, men can just as easily feel less inclined toward sex.”

Gia Ravozzi, sex therapist.

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“My partner and I went through a year of very difficult relationship. Jnani was there as a mediator and counselor every step of the way. Thanks to her we managed to stay together, sorted out our issues and are now madly in love, even more than ever before!”

Nadya, Koh Phangan, Thailand

BONUS 1 

More on relationship advice – the good, the bad, and the ugly!

Apply your new-found understanding to see for yourself which tips and techniques are potentially very counterproductive advice – and how to extract the nuggets of gold from the swamp.

 

BONUS 2

A Deeper Look

One couple’s journey after trying SO MANY tips and techniques that didn’t work. What really did work, and how you can apply that knowledge to your own journey.

 

BONUS 3

How to Reboot a Relationship

When a relationship has stalled in frustration, lack of communication, and lost connection, how do you start over without losing everything?

 

BONUS 4

Getting to an Authentic “Yes”

A Step-By-Step Guide for developing deeply connected, deeply passionate lovemaking with a new partner – or an existing partner.

 

BONUS 5

What is “Doing Your Individual Work”?

An introduction to the self-discovery work that will make your relationships sing!

 

BONUS 6

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!

Demystifying the challenges in reaching a deep understanding of one another. Includes step-by-step instructions for a “failure-proof” exercise you can use any time you have something important to say.

 

BONUS 7

 

 

 

What is “Responsible Communication”?

Everything your parents never taught you about what makes communication work – or not!

 

 

BONUS 8

 

Free lifetime access to our Members Area, containing a huge range of support materials!

  • The latest research on love, sex, relationships, and family dynamics
  • Dozen of hours of video
  • Podcasts, guided meditations, and other audio
  • Exercises you can do alone or with a partner
  • … and much more!

We are constantly adding new material to the Members Area, so come on in, take a look around, and if the topic you want is not covered yet, drop us a line – we take requests!

 

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