A Way To Move On From Your Traumas

A Way To Move On From Your Traumas

Can you really grow through your traumas? Free yourself? And move on?

Yes, it is not only possible but you can do this without feeling overwhelmed and helpless. 

One small step at a time, with consistency and dedication. That’s how Mia did it. And so can you.

“I had been depressed for quite a long time. I had quite intense CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) responses. I had a lot of anxiety and lacked daily basic self-care like cooking and eating. My executive function was really slow and bad at the time. So these symptoms were stopping me from living a full life and from concentrating on relationships that I wanted to achieve,” recalls Mia.

We all experience traumas, so you are not the only one.

It is part of being human. While traumas come in different forms, they all happen for the same reason — due to the emotional stress that overwhelms our ability to cope.

Now, how long you want to live with those traumas is a matter of choice. Today, we have access to techniques and support systems that can help us heal and grow. It doesn’t have to be an extremely painful and monumental undertaking.

In fact, quite the opposite: you can do it one small step at a time.

“Yes, it is possible to one day wake up and feel that you are in a healthy environment, surrounded by people who genuinely care about you,” exclaims Mia.

A few months later, after learning about emotional mastery and applying certain techniques, Mia feels a total shift: “I had a lot of stress because of all these physical symptoms that were quite overwhelming at the time before learning to master my emotions. I was overwhelmed, lost, just going with the flow of emotions, and not really being in control. And now I notice that I have routines, self-discipline, self-love, and I am much happier.”

So, how did this all happen in such a short period of time?


Well, turns out, there is a way to do this. 

 

The Emotional First Aid, Emotional Regulation, Emotional Pressure Release, and Pattern Breaking are some powerful techniques taught in the Emotional Mastery Program to help process, release and grow through traumas. These techniques were formed and tested over many years of research, training, and application. They are derived from physiology, neurology, psychology, and psychotherapy.

The beauty of these techniques comes from their simplicity and effectiveness. They use both our analytical and emotional intelligence in a balanced, integrated approach with the help of symbology, making it easy for us to apply and feel the effects immediately. We can feel the changes happening real-time.

“With just small shifts of change in your own thinking about yourself and about your situation, things will change,” Mia points out, “It’s not going to be easy…and the only thing you need is dedication, time, and resilience that you don’t give up.”

Jenny Hale, the founder of the Jenny Hale Authentic Living who also leads the Emotional Mastery Program describes it like this: “Imagine the feeling of having to submerge a bunch of balloons underwater. That is a lot of energy needed to keep them there. Then slowly you let them go one by one. And one day you find out that you have released all those balloons. Now, how much energy is spent on holding them down? None, because there are no balloons left. That is how trauma release works too. One by one, one small step at a time. And yes, the day will come when you will feel amazing. Just keep on with the practice. ”

“It’s all about getting the proper emotional support to resolve that emotional stress and allowing it to leave the system. We can do that at any time. If it didn’t happen immediately after the traumatic event, we can do it now with the skills that we’re developing in the Emotional Mastery Program,” says Jenny.


In conclusion, the first thing to understand is that traumatic events don’t have to be long-lasting. They can be processed, released, healed, and further used for personal growth. 

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All this can be done one small step at a time, in manageable sizes. One simple technique at a time. Those traumas that seems large at first, get released in small bit and pieces like a balloon flying away into the sky. And one day, just like Mia and many others, you will feel that your life has changed. You have changed. The people and the environment around you have changed.

Soon enough, you will wake up one day and realize that your traumas have transformed into strength and power.

 

Are you ready to take your first small step?

Yes, You Can Find Your Way Through Emotional Overwhelm

Yes, You Can Find Your Way Through Emotional Overwhelm

Are you feeling overwhelmed by your life situation? The pandemic, relationship, work, or something you feel you have no control over?

Well, there is hope — because there are solutions.

Whatever the reason, there is a way to navigate this path of overwhelm and intense emotions. There are tools and methods you can use that can be customized to your specific situation and needs.

This was the story of Bianca Torres, who faced a whole new tide of unwanted emotions during the pandemic and the lockdowns. This situation provided her the opportunity to learn effective techniques to grow out of her emotional turmoil.

So what are these techniques? Why are they important and what makes them effective?

“One of the techniques I really enjoyed is the Emotional Pressure Release. I used it this morning actually and it has helped me free up some space that has been kind of built-up layers and layers over the years,” Bianca points out.

So yes, there are proper techniques designed for specific emotional situations.

The Emotional Pressure Release that Bianca talks about is a technique used to gradually reduce the amount of pressure in our emotional system. There are various other techniques that can be picked depending on the person and the situation to counterbalance the emotional pressure.

So what is emotional pressure? 

Jenny Hale, the founder of the Jenny Hale Authentic Living who also leads the Emotional Mastery Program describes emotional pressure as being like a pressure cooker or a boiler —  something that is holding in an ever-increasing amount of pressure: “We’re in this situation with all of this pressure, we need a way to, little by little, release that pressure by processing, and by allowing ourselves to move through the backlog of emotional material in manageable bite-sized pieces.”

“The Emotional Pressure Release practice is designed to do that. The idea of this practice is that you just spend a few minutes doing it every day (or every other day) and gradually, over time, the total pressure in your system will slowly but steadily move downwards. The result is that you’re less likely to have an overreaction to something that happens in the present moment,” says Jenny.

The Emotional Pressure Release is one of the many powerful techniques taught in the Emotional Mastery Program. Like the Emotional Pressure Release, there are other powerful techniques like the Emotional First Aid, Emotional Regulation, Pattern Breaking, Pattern Release, and many more, taught in the program.

All of these techniques have been formed and tested over many years of research, training, and application. They are derived from physiology, neurology, psychology, and psychotherapy.

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“I learned some very useful techniques that I could hold space for these emotions to allow them to happen, and also regulate my nervous system,” says Bianca, who is now a graduate of the Emotional Mastery Program. She has learned the tools, techniques, and practices to grow through her emotional challenges.

The best things can happen at the worst times. Emotional growth during tough times is one of them. Did it ever occur to you that the challenge you are facing now is opening the door to an enormous opportunity for your emotional growth?

“I’m very grateful to Jenny for creating this work and also for the coaches that helped me throughout the weeks that I did this training with one-on-one coachings and weekly calls so thank you very much team for providing this training,” recalls Bianca.

From identifying your emotions to learning the techniques for emotional release, there is a deep sense of freedom and growth in being able to master our emotions and help those around us.

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What techniques can you identify in your own life that you use to grow through emotionally challenging situations? Are you willing to learn more and apply them to your own life?

Growing Out of Codependency

Growing Out of Codependency

Are you feeling helpless in your relationship? Do you feel dependent on others and constantly seek their approval that you have lost confidence and trust in yourself? And life feels like a journey where you give a lot but receive little in return?

This was the story for VijayaSree before she joined the Emotional Mastery Program. 

She was struggling with codependency. Understanding how relationships work and creating healthy ones was a breakthrough for her. Now she has not only transformed her life and her relationships, but she is also able to help others navigate their way in similar situations.

Let’s take a closer look at codependency and the tools we can use to grow out of it.

Codependency

Codependency is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner. The signs of this behavior include difficulty communicating and making decisions in relationships, difficulty in identifying one’s own feelings, and having poor self-esteem from lack of trust in oneself while constantly seeking approval from others.

We all experience some form of codependency in different phases of our lives. Rather than judging this as good or bad, it is better to understand how relationships work and what tools we can use to reframe and develop healthy connections.

Understanding Relationships

Relationships are key to our well-being. When we understand how they work we are able to intentionally choose and grow them. When we don’t understand how relationships happen, how they function, and how they develop, we can easily fall into a state of trance.

Then we feel powerless, victimized, and helpless. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

“I had been in toxic relationships for quite a while and it was hard for me to really get out of that pattern. There were dynamics that I could not understand. I was repeating the same mistakes again and again,” recalls VijayaShree.

Through the Emotional Mastery Program, she learned how relationships are created and how to set healthy changes in motion, allowing her to break free from destructive partnerships and develop healthy ones.

We all function differently because we have diverse mindsets, experiences, needs, and priorities. Understanding this is vital in all relationships.

“We have different versions of reality playing in our heads. Understanding this has allowed me to develop compassion towards myself, others, and all of humanity,” says VijayaSree.

She now sees reality and relationships beyond right and wrong. Making sure we are respectful of one another because we have different ways of functioning is more important to her. This awareness has allowed her to cultivate better relationships.

Once we have this understanding, we can be intentional about our relationships and set boundaries accordingly.

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Being Intentional & Setting Boundaries

Intentions direct us while boundaries safeguard us in our path of developing healthy relationships. Without intentions and boundaries, we can feel lost and powerless. 

VijayaSree learned that having clear intentions and setting boundaries were crucial in balancing the acts of giving and receiving in her relationships. “This has been a game-changer,” she says. 

“I would give everything to the other person and think I deserve very little. And this completely changed when I understood that this was just a misconception that I had about me based on life experiences when growing up,” she adds.

With clear intentions and safe boundaries, she now feels she has earned the love and respect she wants while also being able to give. 

“Before doing the Emotional Mastery course, I had a huge lack of self-esteem. I didn’t know how to respect myself. Therefore, I didn’t know how to be respected by others, and I didn’t know how to breed safe relationships.”

“And that really changed everything about how I see myself, how I feel about myself, how much I love myself now…how much I care for my own emotions and my own needs while being respected by others because I am very clear and concise about what I need, how I may need it, and to accept it as well, which was also a challenge,” she reflects.

When we understand how relationships work, become intentional, and set boundaries, we can further expand our own gift of understanding, love, and compassion to our families, communities, and beyond. 

Moving Forward

When we pull ourselves out of codependency, we experience a more compassionate and richer reality. Else, we end up living in a blurry reality where we don’t understand how relationships work and don’t have the tools to change them. 

When we understand relationships and use the right tools, our relationships blossom, and we experience growth in both giving and receiving. 

Two years after taking the Emotional Mastery Program, VijayaSree now feels a complete transformation in herself and her relationships. 

Previously she felt like she gave a lot but did not know how to ask and receive. Asking for anything would hurt her self-esteem. She felt she deserve little.

This course helped her see the misconceptions she had formed based on her past experiences. Now she is no longer tied to her past. She is now clear and concise about her needs, able to set healthy boundaries, and expresses them.

These tools and techniques have helped her develop meaningful relationships and self-esteem. In addition, she is also able to offer a helping hand to those in need.

“I am able to feel the healthy changes happening to myself and also able to help others,” she says.  

Breaking Free: Moving Beyond Our Addictive Patterns

Breaking Free: Moving Beyond Our Addictive Patterns

It’s not what happened to you as a child that makes you feel bad – it’s the loss of connection to your authentic self. Dr Gabor Maté gives a talk which mixes a pragmatic appreciation for reality with a genuine and grounded hope for recovery.

You can be addicted to just about anything – as spiritual teachers have pointed out, wanting is part of the structure of the egoic mind. An unsupportive childhood environment creates an internal emptiness, which the egoic mind tries to fill by obtaining the things it wants. But these things can never fill the void of disconnection from our authentic self.

And the culture most of us were raised in is inherently unsupportive of the needs of small children. “The very culture that we live in denies that there’s truth, makes people hungry, hurts people, leaves them isolated, therefore empty, therefore wanting satisfaction from the outside, therefore addicted, and then it creates all these products, and all these activities, and all these cultural diversions to fill the very emptiness that it creates. And then they say, ‘Selfishness is the nature of human beings.’ And there’s the complete circle of the ideology.” 47:25

With his trademark humour and personal examples, Dr Maté offers “clues” – pointers to the pathway out of addictive patterns, and back to peace.

To find out more about the pathway to emotional peace, check out the Emotional Mastery group and 1-1 coaching programs.

For instant relief from painful or intense emotions, sign up now to receive our science-based, practical Emotional First Aid course – completely free!

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Learn how to immediately interrupt disturbing thoughts and sensations, calm the nervous system, and return to normal, balanced functioning.

The Problem With Makeup Sex

The Problem With Makeup Sex

Hey everyone! I’m Jenny Hale and you’re watching my truth bomb series – a series of short videos about relationships advice that’s problematic, why it’s problematic and where the truth really lies.

Today I’d like to talk about “makeup sex”.

There’s a school of thought which has this picture of an ideal relationship being a really passionate relationship. The kind of relationship where something happens, everyone gets angry, and they yell and they carry on, and then at some point the passion of the anger just turns into sexual passion.

Then they have this ravishing amazing passionate sex, and then everything’s OK. Now it works in the movies … doesn’t work so much in real life.

Even if you have the flaming row and the argument, and then you go away and calm down, and you come back together, and then you have the passionate makeup sex (which is a bit more common in the real world), it’s still a problem.

The problem is that makeup sex doesn’t actually restore what was broken.

In the moment it might feel like it does. Early on in a relationship when you’re still in love with each other, and then something happens, one of you gets angry and you get over it and have sex and it’s like “ah everything’s back to normal now”. It feels like the makeup sex fixed everything.

My partner and I have a little saying “sex fixes everything”, because often it doesn’t matter what emotional state you’re in, if you have sex you get endorphins. It’s a bit like heroin – everything’s FINE …

However, whatever it was you were arguing about, if that wasn’t actually sorted out, if it wasn’t resolved, it’s going to happen again. You’re going to have an argument again, and maybe you could have makeup sex again, but ultimately, if you’re having the same argument every week, eventually makeup sex is not going to cut it.

At some point, you need to reach a resolution on whatever it is that you’re arguing about.

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Real Relationship Issues

Now there’s a couple of things that could be going on. One is that one or both of you might actually be doing something that’s inconsiderate or hurtful or unethical, crossing boundaries.

For example, your partner’s going into your phone and reading the messages you were sending to other people. That’s a violation of your privacy. It’s a violation of your boundary. It’s something that you would legitimately be angry about and want to change.

Now, if every time you discover your partner doing that you get really angry, they get really angry, and then you have makeup sex, your partner’s just going to do it again.

And then you get really angry, they get really angry, you have makeup sex …

At some point you’ve got to ask yourself the question – how important is my privacy? What am I going do to make sure that this actually gets dealt with?

Or maybe this person is just incapable of actually having an adult relationship. Maybe they need to sneak in and invade my privacy because of their childhood wounds, which they’re not dealing with. At that point you need to decide whether to walk away or not.

No amount of makeup sex is going to keep you in a relationship where your fundamental human rights are being violated.

Individual Issues That Cause Arguments

Likewise, if what’s happening is someone’s childhood stuff is being triggered – maybe you had a bad childhood, maybe your mother was really unavailable, maybe she was an alcoholic, maybe she was just never there for you, and you were looking after the younger ones all the time.

You feel inside a sense of insecurity and abandonment because no one ever really took care of you, so whenever your lover does something where it looks like they’re being inconsiderate, looks like they might be abandoning you, maybe they want to go on a weekend hunting trip with their mates or maybe they come home late later than you expected, whatever it is, it sets off your childhood fear, your childhood loneliness, your childhood abandonment.

Then you get really angry, and then they get really angry because it’s really unfair, then you have make up sex. It doesn’t fix your childhood trauma, doesn’t make you a more secure person.

The makeup sex doesn’t actually do anything except give you a shot of feel-good endorphins in the moment. It might calm you down on that day but the next day when your partner doesn’t come home at the time they said you’ll be off again and another argument and another round of makeup sex.

The only way this is going to end is when you actually do your work. When you go and do therapy, you go and do some release work, you go and work with your body, do some somatic work, whatever it is for you that’s going to move that childhood trauma.

That’s going to give you a much better sense of safety in yourself. When you do that then you won’t get angry anymore.

After you do that, instead of having makeup sex you can have just crazy passionate sex because you don’t need to have an angry argument in order to have passionate sex. You’re going to have passionate sex every day of your life for the whole the rest of your relationship if you take care of resolving conflicts as they occur.

Your Partner Is Not Your Therapist

Your Partner Is Not Your Therapist

love-couple-young-teens-outside-moment-emotionsNobody emerges from childhood completely unscathed. Intimate relationships can be a wonderful container in which childhood wounds and sorrows come to light, are met and held with love, and release their power to cause us pain.

However, when childhood wounds are deep and serious, or when there is a trauma response, it is not reasonable to expect a partner to have the skills and emotional resilience to give us everything we need to heal. Serious wounds require serious treatment and rehabilitation.

Warning Signs of Serious Childhood Injury

How can we know whether our emotional baggage is too much for a partner to carry?

The problem for most people is that we grow up thinking that whatever we experienced as a child is normal. It can take outside input to open our eyes to the possibility that our childhood had some problems, and that we may have some unhealthy coping strategies as a result.

Here are some clues to look for, in ourselves and our close friends, family, and partners.

Relationship Anxiety

Needing constant reassurance, finding separations unbearable, anxiously watching for return text messages, intense fear of abandonment, possessiveness and jealousy, trying to control partners, especially in how close they are to other people emotionally.

aloneAvoidance or Extreme Detachment

Feeling uncomfortable, even “invaded”, when relationships become emotionally intimate, avoiding sex and intimacy, keeping emotions out of sexual relationships, pushing friends and partners away when upset, reacting to uncomfortable situations in relationships by withdrawing, or even leaving the relationship.

Unbalanced Focus on Self

While it is healthy to have a good awareness of our own wants and needs, it is important to give equal weight to the wants and needs of others, especially those who are close to us, either physically or emotionally.

If people are regularly letting you know that you are appearing selfish, or not listening to them, or not taking them into consideration enough, it is worth checking whether you have the right balance of self vs others.

This may manifest as people every now and again unfairly abandoning you for reasons you don’t understand, or getting very angry at you when you don’t think you have done anything wrong.

other focus-1600x900Unbalanced Focus on Others

Focusing on others can be a delightful gift, but not if you lose contact with yourself in the process.

Are you aware of your own needs and wants? Do you regularly express them to the people who are close to you, both physically and emotionally?

Or do people seem to take you for granted, and exhaust you with their constant needs and demands?

Are you afraid that if you don’t take care of everyone properly, their reactions will be even more unbearable than the constant low level frustration and exhaustion that you usually feel?

love addictionAddictions

We may not have an addiction to a substance like alcohol, opiates, or illegal substances, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have an addiction at all.

Any activity which causes us to get a hit of dopamine can become addictive.

Many people are addicted to more subtle “drugs”, like gambling (which includes high risk activities like day trading, commission-only sales work, and some forms of entrepreneurial activity), or sex (which can also include addiction to the dopamine highs of infatuation), computer games, or food.  

Even socially-valued activities can be addictive – there are many workaholics out there! Working out at the gym, going to church, gossiping with friends, fixing up old cars, building dollhouses or computer programs, doing crosswords, and just about any other hobby can become an addiction when we are using it to escape unpleasant emotions or avoid difficult conversations.

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These more socially acceptable addictions can combine with other items on this list, such as avoidance, zoning out, and mood swings, so watch out for combinations!

Zoning Out

Losing time, or not noticing what is happening here and now, can be a sign of trauma. This is a particular red flag if it happens during emotionally difficult conversations, but it can also be a habitual way to get through life. If our life as a child is emotionally difficult, one coping strategy is try as much as possible to “not be there” while life is happening.

It often goes together with not remembering much about childhood before the age of 6-8 years old.

Mood Swings

Some days are great – you’re on top of the world, you get a lot done (or start a lot of things), and you feel ten feet tall and bulletproof. Other days, you don’t even want to get out of bed. You curse yourself for the promises you made when you were feeling great. There is no clear cause for the great days or the terrible days.

2018-07-06 depression

And some days start out great, but then something happens – someone rejects you, or something doesn’t go to plan – and for the rest of the day you feel awful.

If the swings happen slowly – over weeks and months – you may have bipolar disorder. But if you are having wildly different moods within a single week, you don’t have bipolar disorder – you have emotional dysregulation, which is usually a result of childhood emotional neglect.

Extreme Sensitivity or Empathy

Can’t walk by a group of people without getting a “hit” of someone else’s emotions?

Find crowds and public spaces draining and exhausting?

Can’t feel happy when your partner or housemate is feeling down?

You are likely to have some childhood wounds or trauma to explore.

Generally, children focus on their own world, and tune out the adults around them until they need something. But if life was difficult, upsetting, or painful, and the adults around were the cause, some children learn to be hyperaware of the emotional state of others. It is a coping strategy, a way of at least having a few seconds of warning before the bad thing happens.

 

discontent

Yes, That’s Me (or My Partner) – Now What?

Untreated childhood wounds tend to resurface over and over until they are healed. The most common way they emerge is by having us subconsciously recreate the situation where we were wounded.

We are most likely to do this in our intimate relationships, which is what makes intimate relationships so uniquely painful.  

The number one reason that I have seen relationships end is because one or both people can no longer tolerate the pain of their childhood wounds resurfacing over and over.

This is often a tragic result, because the people concerned love one another very much, and have the potential to support one another in healing – that’s usually what attracts us, at a subconscious level.

Coaching

But navigating the interlocking childhood wounds of two people in an intimate relationship is like picking your way through a minefield – you just never know when things are going to blow  up and cause a whole new type of trauma.

It is really important that you have outside support through this process. In severe cases, one or both partners may benefit from individual psychotherapy. Often, though what people really need is a neutral third party who can let them know when they are stuck in a childhood coping strategy, rather than being present and responding to the current situation.

This is where a relationship coach can be invaluable. Not only can they provide useful strategies to improve communication, and mediate difficult conversations, they can also keep you on track with your individual healing, and your support of your partner’s healing.

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