Don’t Worry, You Can’t “Emasculate” A Man

Don’t Worry, You Can’t “Emasculate” A Man

Hi everyone! I’m Jenny Hale and this is one of my truth bomb series of short videos about relationships. In this series I’m looking at things which are commonly said that are actually rubbish, why they’re rubbish, and what the truth is.

Today what I’d like to address is this widespread myth that it’s somehow possible for a woman to “emasculate” a man. Now, this idea comes from a number of different places. It’s mentioned in Allison Armstrong’s books. It’s mentioned in various Neo-Tantra circles. Again, like all of these things, if you pick it apart you can find a nugget, but the wrapper that it’s in is so harmful that I really need to address this one.

So number one, if you’re a man, you’re a man, period. There is nothing that can happen in your life that makes you suddenly not a man. You are a man. You always will be a man. You always were a man  – even if you are born in a female body, even if people teased you and called you gay or whatever.

If you’re a man, you’re a man. That’s it.

So where does this weird ass idea come from that there is something that a woman might be able to do to “emasculate” a man, to make a man not a man?

Where this comes from, it’s because we are in a culture which is damaging to men. When a woman does something that resonates with the way our culture damages men it makes a man feel less of a man. Not because of anything inside his human being, but because that’s what our culture has told him.

If you just step back and think about it you’ll be able to identify all of these horrible, horrible messages that we give little boys and men about what it is to be a man.

A man is always strong and confident. If you’re confused, if you have to ask for help well then you’re a pussy, which means you’re not a man.

It’s the culture which is constantly emasculating men. It’s not individual women who are emasculating men.

If we didn’t live in a culture that told men but being confused was unmanly, then when his woman said “you’re confused, you’ve made a mistake,” he would be “okay I’m a man that made a mistake”.

But no, no, it’s not manly to admit that you made a mistake. You have to always be confident. You have to always be right.

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You can see that this idea about what how a man should be is just incredibly damaging. It’s damaging to men. It’s damaging to relationships, and therefore damaging to women, all the men who are in relationships with men for that matter. It’s damaging to children. It’s damaging to everybody.

So what’s the nugget of truth in this?

Because there is one, and it’s this.

It doesn’t actually matter whether you’re in a male body or a female body. If you put someone down, if you criticize them consistently, if you refuse to trust that they are a competent adult and they can do what they are good at, you will make them feel really small.

This is true of women as much as it is of men. If you constantly nag a woman she’s also going to feel completely inadequate.

So the take-home is – be awesome to one another.

Build one another up. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a male body or a female body. Be kind. If you have feedback to give someone make sure that they’re in a good space, it’s a good time, that you’ve phrased it in a completely neutral way. You’ve given them the information. You’re trusting them to do what they need to do with the information.

If you need to draw a boundary for yourself, you do that without blame or accusation. You say look, for example, if you’re not willing to get directions before we leave and know the route then I’m going to drive myself. Or whatever it is.

You take care of yourself, and whatever you need to take care of yourself, so that you don’t need to change your partner’s behavior in any way. Give them the feedback and let them make the choice.

So this is a truth which applies that whether you’re in a male body or a female body, whether your partner is in a male body or a female body. It also applies to your relationships with children, to your relationships with work peers.

It’s a natural human phenomenon. If you put shit on somebody they will feel like shit. So just don’t. That’s it.

You Don’t Need To Be An Alpha Male

You Don’t Need To Be An Alpha Male

Hi everyone! I’m Jenny Hale and this is another one of my truth bomb series, where I look at pieces of misinformation about relationships, and what the real truth is underneath (if there’s one at all).

Today’s truth bomb is this idea that what women are really attracted to is a “man’s man”, you know, the alpha male. This entire industry, I don’t know how many millions of dollars are spent by a hopeful young men to listen to slightly older young men tell them how to be a man. But let me tell you, at the end of the day, speaking as a woman who’s worked as a relationship coach with hundreds of women that it’s not true.

You don’t need to man up.

You’re not “beta”.

Yes, there’s a whole lot of research that’s gone into the explaining and misinformation around the use of the terms alpha and beta and I’m not going to go into that here because I really want to just hone in on this idea and what it does in relationships.

Our culture has a picture of a man’s man, a real man, an alpha man and we all kind of know what that picture is, right? He’s physically strong and dominant, and he’s confident. He knows where he’s going and he’s somebody who seems to never make a mistake, or if he does, he just pushes on through and turns it into a win.

And women are we attracted to him.

So a couple of things I just want to put to rest about this.

Number one, the characteristics of the man’s man in our culture are pretty much the characteristics of a narcissist. And it’s true, if you can present as a narcissist you will attract codependent women because codependent women are attracted to those features.

The insensitivity, the self-absorption, the grandiosity, the big stories about how great they’re going to be, and the ability to just push people aside and get their stuff done in the world – those things are attractive to a certain kind of woman. The thing is, women who are codependent are codependent for a reason, and the reason is that they had terrible childhoods and they’re full of issues.

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If you make yourself look like a narcissist so that you can attract a codependent woman who’s completely into you, and dependent on you, and focuses her whole life on you, you’re going to have to deal with her childhood issues, and they’re not pretty.

If you want a healthy well-balanced woman who can take care of herself and have resources left over to take care of you, who will help you to be a better person, and will help you to be a fully rounded human being, then it’s not a good plan to make yourself look like one of these alpha males.

Now, you might get more one-night stands by presenting like an alpha and doing all the pickup artist stuff, but …

… what you won’t get is a safe, secure a long-term relationship where you can be yourself, and be accepted for who you really are, and just relax.

If you use these kind of techniques, if you present this man’s man, it’s stressful. And you have to keep it up for the rest of your life, or you lose the person.

I will say again that there is a nugget, and the nugget is this.

What a healthy, well balanced fully rounded woman wants is a healthy, well balanced, fully rounded man. If you are still psychologically a child, if you’re looking for mummy to take care of you, or you’re looking for a source of sex that won’t give you too much trouble, then you won’t be attractive to a fully rounded functional human woman. You will be attractive to the damaged women who are magnetically attracted to  bad boys and problem boys and want to spend their life looking after ducklings with broken wings.

You don’t have to be a duckling with a broken wing (or a duckling with a broken wing pretending to be Superman) in order to get a really rewarding long-term relationship.

So what does a woman really want?

Because I tell you, women don’t really want the stuff that all the pickup artists are telling you they really want. They might have a fling with that, but that’s not what they actually want in a partner for the long term.

If you want someone who’s going to take care of you when you’re old, then you need to offer something else other than this narcissistic macho alpha persona. All you have to be is real. A real human being, honest and authentic, not perfect but willing to work on all of the areas where you are not perfect, and willing to improve to spend a lifetime improving.

I tell you, one of the things that just amazes me is that these guys don’t get – these guys who teach all these courses to men about how to get women – not one of them I’ve seen say this.

What women really, really go for is potential.

Women love a man who’s going somewhere. Not a man who’s going somewhere materially, like he’s got a business and is going to make a lot of money. A man who’s going somewhere as a human being. A man who’s capable of growth. A man who becomes a better person every year.

That is what will get you the high quality women.