Why “Spice Up Your Sex Life” is Terrible Advice

 

Hi everyone! I’m Jenny Hale and you’re watching my truth bomb series short videos on relationships and the things you get told that just aren’t true. Why that’s a problem, and where does the truth really lie?

Today I’d like to address a particular piece of advice that floats around all over the place and that’s in the situation where you’re in a long-term relationship and your sexual desire levels aren’t matched, over time one of both of you has become less interested in sex, you’re not having as much sex as you want to.

This advice is “look you know, this is normal. People get bored, so just spice it up a little bit. Just spice up your sex life.”

Today’s truth bomb is – this is really bad advice.

That’s not to say that it’s a bad idea to explore some fantasies, do some kinky things, not at all. But it’s not going to solve the problem which is leading to the lack of sexual desire.

Why would it be a bad idea to take this advice – spice up your sex life?

Number one, it’s because when someone sexual desire goes down the reason for that is never boredom. I’m going to go right out there and say never. It’s never boredom.

So if it’s not boredom, what is it?

Usually in most cases there’s an underlying emotional mismatch between the people, some kind of tension, some kind of emotional conflict which has not been resolved, and that gets in the way of sexual desire.

Now, in the early stages of a relationship and when you’re young, especially if you’re in a male body and you’ve got testosterone going on, all kinds of horrible stuff can happen, and the other person can treat you really badly, but you still have desire.

In the initial stages with new relationship energy, falling in love, testosterone drive, you still have sex even though you’re mad at them. Yeah, you have a big argument, it’s not resolved but, you have makeup sex anyway because they look hot and you’re turned on and why not?

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Over time, when you’ve been in the relationship longer, and that early “in love” phase is gone, and as you get older your testosterone levels go down.

It comes down pretty rapidly so by the time you’re in your 30s if you’re resenting someone, if you do have an unresolved issue with someone, if you feel like they don’t get you, they don’t care, they’re not showing up for you, they’re in their own world or something, you’re much less likely to want to have sex with that person, emotionally.

Unless you really get down in there and resolve the underlying emotional conflicts they will eventually surface again and in a much more virulent form because there’s several more years of resentment built up. Some of the things you might have done during that time to “spice things up” might even feed the resentment, because one partner might be doing these things just to satisfy the other partner, not because they themselves actually wanted to do them.

So you have to be super careful when you go into this spicing up to make sure that both of you are genuinely wanting whatever it is that you do, and genuinely enjoying whatever it is that you do, because otherwise you just feed the underlying resentment and you make the whole situation worse.

At the end of the day the way that you’re going to be able to keep your sex life interesting and passionate and dynamic ongoingly is not any kind of simple technique or trick like spicing it up with sex toys or opening the relationship or anything like that.

It has to do with really getting good at navigating the emotional relationship, resolving conflicts, expressing concerns and resentments, setting boundaries, being a fully rounded human being in relationship with another fully rounded human being. That’s when you’ll get the kind of passion that can last for a lifetime.